Beauty from Chaos

Will I sacrifice?

This is said to be the 'everyday question of motherhood' by Christine Hoover in her blog post by the same name on the Desiring God website.

So will I? Do I?

Bringing up my children requires so much more patience and perseverance than I ever dreamed would have been necessary. I think before Doug and I had children I looked upon motherhood in a rather naïve way. I thought about all the books I wanted to read them at bedtime, about going for walks in the autumn and collecting leaves, and about all the lovely precious time we would spend cuddling. Little did I think of the hours of endless crying that would make me want to cut my own ears off, or of the incessant toddler questions and demands about food and tv and “no sleep-time”, or of the multitude of nappies, plastic dinosaurs, “choo-choo trains” and cheerios that would fill every corner my house.

So now I'm not so naïve, and I'm sitting writing this blog in a few precious moments of quiet whilst the kids sleep, absolutely exhausted and feeling like I've definitely lost the 'Mommy War' once and for all!

I've been wrestling a lot lately with the concept of sacrifice as a mother. How much is it right that I sacrifice and put my children's needs ahead of my own? If I always put them first am I teaching them that they're the centre of the universe and will they grow up spoiled and narcissistic? Is it okay to sometimes give them second best for the good of someone or something else? Is it okay to sometimes give them second best for my own good? I'm genuinely asking. I don't know the answer.

What I do know is that this is the most important job I've ever had. Being a mum requires thoughtful consideration and purposeful response. I mustn't parent by accident. And that takes time and energy (oh so much energy!). I have two little lives growing in my home. Their hearts and minds have been entrusted by the Lord God Himself to my care. What an incredible responsibility this is.

Every day as I run this marathon of motherhood I stumble over the rocky patches, and often I feel so tired and worn down I wonder if I can run any further. I tell Doug that there is a great void between what I want to be able to do and the reality of my capability. And then God speaks. A Gentle Voice whispering from out of the chaos of my mind, speaking truth tenderly:

“Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory...”

“...let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith...”

“ “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness”... For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

So perhaps I need to sacrifice my strength, my self-sufficiency and my will, and continually give all the mess, the chaos and the shattered illusions of a productive and orderly life over to God.

I want to look groomed and beautiful, I want my home to be tidy and beautiful, I want my kids to be beautifully behaved. But all I see is brokenness, dirt and mess. So my challenge to myself is to give God the broken things and let Him make something beautiful.

Lots of love, Rachael. x