Will I
sacrifice?
This is said to
be the 'everyday question of motherhood' by Christine Hoover in her
blog post by the same name on the Desiring God website.
So will I? Do
I?
Bringing up my
children requires so much more patience and perseverance than I ever
dreamed would have been necessary. I think before Doug and I had
children I looked upon motherhood in a rather naïve way. I thought
about all the books I wanted to read them at bedtime, about going for
walks in the autumn and collecting leaves, and about all the lovely
precious time we would spend cuddling. Little did I think of the
hours of endless crying that would make me want to cut my own ears
off, or of the incessant toddler questions and demands about food and
tv and “no sleep-time”, or of the multitude of nappies, plastic
dinosaurs, “choo-choo trains” and cheerios that would fill every
corner my house.
So now I'm not
so naïve, and I'm sitting writing this blog in a few precious
moments of quiet whilst the kids sleep, absolutely exhausted and
feeling like I've definitely lost the 'Mommy War' once and for all!
I've been
wrestling a lot lately with the concept of sacrifice as a mother. How
much is it right that I sacrifice and put my children's needs ahead
of my own? If I always put them first am I teaching them that they're
the centre of the universe and will they grow up spoiled and
narcissistic? Is it okay to sometimes give them second best for the
good of someone or something else? Is it okay to sometimes give them
second best for my own good? I'm genuinely asking. I don't know the
answer.
What I do know
is that this is the most important job I've ever had. Being a mum
requires thoughtful consideration and purposeful response. I mustn't
parent by accident. And that takes time and energy (oh so much
energy!). I have two little lives growing in my home. Their hearts
and minds have been entrusted by the Lord God Himself to my care.
What an incredible responsibility this is.
Every day as I
run this marathon of motherhood I stumble over the rocky patches, and
often I feel so tired and worn down I wonder if I can run any
further. I tell Doug that there is a great void between what I want
to be able to do and the reality of my capability. And then God
speaks. A Gentle Voice whispering from out of the chaos of my mind,
speaking truth tenderly:
“Now to Him
who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine,
according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory...”
“...let us
run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes
on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith...”
“ “My
grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in
weakness”... For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
So
perhaps I need to sacrifice my strength, my self-sufficiency and my
will, and continually give all the mess, the chaos and the shattered
illusions of a productive and orderly life over to God.
I want to look
groomed and beautiful, I want my home to be tidy and beautiful, I
want my kids to be beautifully behaved. But all I see is brokenness,
dirt and mess. So my challenge to myself is to give God the broken
things and let Him make something beautiful.
Lots of love, Rachael. x
