Beauty from Chaos

Will I sacrifice?

This is said to be the 'everyday question of motherhood' by Christine Hoover in her blog post by the same name on the Desiring God website.

So will I? Do I?

Bringing up my children requires so much more patience and perseverance than I ever dreamed would have been necessary. I think before Doug and I had children I looked upon motherhood in a rather naïve way. I thought about all the books I wanted to read them at bedtime, about going for walks in the autumn and collecting leaves, and about all the lovely precious time we would spend cuddling. Little did I think of the hours of endless crying that would make me want to cut my own ears off, or of the incessant toddler questions and demands about food and tv and “no sleep-time”, or of the multitude of nappies, plastic dinosaurs, “choo-choo trains” and cheerios that would fill every corner my house.

So now I'm not so naïve, and I'm sitting writing this blog in a few precious moments of quiet whilst the kids sleep, absolutely exhausted and feeling like I've definitely lost the 'Mommy War' once and for all!

I've been wrestling a lot lately with the concept of sacrifice as a mother. How much is it right that I sacrifice and put my children's needs ahead of my own? If I always put them first am I teaching them that they're the centre of the universe and will they grow up spoiled and narcissistic? Is it okay to sometimes give them second best for the good of someone or something else? Is it okay to sometimes give them second best for my own good? I'm genuinely asking. I don't know the answer.

What I do know is that this is the most important job I've ever had. Being a mum requires thoughtful consideration and purposeful response. I mustn't parent by accident. And that takes time and energy (oh so much energy!). I have two little lives growing in my home. Their hearts and minds have been entrusted by the Lord God Himself to my care. What an incredible responsibility this is.

Every day as I run this marathon of motherhood I stumble over the rocky patches, and often I feel so tired and worn down I wonder if I can run any further. I tell Doug that there is a great void between what I want to be able to do and the reality of my capability. And then God speaks. A Gentle Voice whispering from out of the chaos of my mind, speaking truth tenderly:

“Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory...”

“...let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith...”

“ “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness”... For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

So perhaps I need to sacrifice my strength, my self-sufficiency and my will, and continually give all the mess, the chaos and the shattered illusions of a productive and orderly life over to God.

I want to look groomed and beautiful, I want my home to be tidy and beautiful, I want my kids to be beautifully behaved. But all I see is brokenness, dirt and mess. So my challenge to myself is to give God the broken things and let Him make something beautiful.

Lots of love, Rachael. x

Are you Mum enough?

It's a long time since I've written a blog – sorry about that! Recently I've been reading some stuff about parenting that has been really quite thought provoking and I'd like to share some of it with you.

It started with a blog on the Desiring God website by Rachel Pieh Jones called 'Are You Mom Enough (Mommy Wars)'. I'd never heard the term 'Mommy Wars' (or 'Mummy Wars' as it would be in the UK) before, but it's certainly not an unfamiliar concept. Whether it be breastfeeding or bottle-feeding; smacking or no-right-to-discipline; 'career mum' or 'stay at home mum', being a parent means making choices and decisions every moment about how to bring up your kids, and there are usually strong and opposing views about the 'right way' to do it (often accompanied by stark warnings about how your kids will turn out if you don't do it that way!). So mother battles mother as we each defend our corner (are you for Gina or Miriam?) and we end up judging each other rather than supporting each other. And that's Mommy Wars. It's not surprising really. Parenting is personal. Every time you hear an opinion that suggests you're bringing up your kids in the wrong way it feels like a kick in teeth for every sleepless night you've spent comforting an upset or unwell child. But being a mum is one of the most difficult jobs in the world. We need the support and encouragement of the people around us. The following statement in Rachel Pieh Jones' blog was such an encouragement to me – it has liberated me as a mum:

“...unless you are fit to run marathons, breastfeed into the preschool years, own a spotless and creatively decorated home, tend a flourishing garden, prepare three home-cooked meals per day, work a high-powered job, and give your husband expert, sensual massages before bed, you are not mom enough. From my perspective, however, the Mommy War is over. Done. Finished. Kaput. And I lost. I am not mom enough. Never was, never will be.

But I am on the frontlines of another war. The battles are raging and the casualties could be my children, my husband, or myself. This war isn’t about me being mom enough. This war is about God being “God enough.” ... Is God “God enough” to take my best, stained efforts at childrearing and craft something that brings him pleasure? Is God “God enough” to turn little hearts to him, and to hold them there? God is, always has been, and always will be, God enough. The battle is over whether or not I will believe it, whether or not I will delight in God’s enough-ness.”

Challenging yet so freeing, yeah? Let's be honest, we all struggle at times and we make mistakes. On the days when my kids' stubborn wilfulness has driven me to the absolute limits of my patience (and sanity!) “stained efforts at childrearing” is a polite way to put it! But the truth of what Pieh Jones is saying frees us as mums to try our absolute best, prayerfully make the hard decisions and leave the outcomes with God. We can finally leave behind the guilt we feel because we know we're not enough. We can stop beating ourselves up over our imperfections. And we can be kinder to each other, offering other mums support and encouragement rather than judgement as they offer up their equally stained efforts. Don't get me wrong, this is the state of mind I'm aiming for. Part of my imperfection is that I keep forgetting these truths and thinking once again that my success as a mum is dependant on my strength and ability. But I hope that writing this helps to plant these seeds of truth more firmly in my mind. And I hope it helps you too, if you're a mum, or if you know someone who's a mum. I'll leave you with this beautiful closing statement from Pieh Jones' blog:

“Trusting in God, because of Christ, I will rise from the graveyard of Mommy War victims, victorious and filled with resurrection power. Loving and living in his perfect enough-ness, I will live to parent for another day. Never mom enough, but filled with the One who is always enough.”

Amen, sister.

Lots of love, Rachael.x