Beauty from Chaos

Will I sacrifice?

This is said to be the 'everyday question of motherhood' by Christine Hoover in her blog post by the same name on the Desiring God website.

So will I? Do I?

Bringing up my children requires so much more patience and perseverance than I ever dreamed would have been necessary. I think before Doug and I had children I looked upon motherhood in a rather naïve way. I thought about all the books I wanted to read them at bedtime, about going for walks in the autumn and collecting leaves, and about all the lovely precious time we would spend cuddling. Little did I think of the hours of endless crying that would make me want to cut my own ears off, or of the incessant toddler questions and demands about food and tv and “no sleep-time”, or of the multitude of nappies, plastic dinosaurs, “choo-choo trains” and cheerios that would fill every corner my house.

So now I'm not so naïve, and I'm sitting writing this blog in a few precious moments of quiet whilst the kids sleep, absolutely exhausted and feeling like I've definitely lost the 'Mommy War' once and for all!

I've been wrestling a lot lately with the concept of sacrifice as a mother. How much is it right that I sacrifice and put my children's needs ahead of my own? If I always put them first am I teaching them that they're the centre of the universe and will they grow up spoiled and narcissistic? Is it okay to sometimes give them second best for the good of someone or something else? Is it okay to sometimes give them second best for my own good? I'm genuinely asking. I don't know the answer.

What I do know is that this is the most important job I've ever had. Being a mum requires thoughtful consideration and purposeful response. I mustn't parent by accident. And that takes time and energy (oh so much energy!). I have two little lives growing in my home. Their hearts and minds have been entrusted by the Lord God Himself to my care. What an incredible responsibility this is.

Every day as I run this marathon of motherhood I stumble over the rocky patches, and often I feel so tired and worn down I wonder if I can run any further. I tell Doug that there is a great void between what I want to be able to do and the reality of my capability. And then God speaks. A Gentle Voice whispering from out of the chaos of my mind, speaking truth tenderly:

“Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory...”

“...let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith...”

“ “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness”... For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

So perhaps I need to sacrifice my strength, my self-sufficiency and my will, and continually give all the mess, the chaos and the shattered illusions of a productive and orderly life over to God.

I want to look groomed and beautiful, I want my home to be tidy and beautiful, I want my kids to be beautifully behaved. But all I see is brokenness, dirt and mess. So my challenge to myself is to give God the broken things and let Him make something beautiful.

Lots of love, Rachael. x

Are you Mum enough?

It's a long time since I've written a blog – sorry about that! Recently I've been reading some stuff about parenting that has been really quite thought provoking and I'd like to share some of it with you.

It started with a blog on the Desiring God website by Rachel Pieh Jones called 'Are You Mom Enough (Mommy Wars)'. I'd never heard the term 'Mommy Wars' (or 'Mummy Wars' as it would be in the UK) before, but it's certainly not an unfamiliar concept. Whether it be breastfeeding or bottle-feeding; smacking or no-right-to-discipline; 'career mum' or 'stay at home mum', being a parent means making choices and decisions every moment about how to bring up your kids, and there are usually strong and opposing views about the 'right way' to do it (often accompanied by stark warnings about how your kids will turn out if you don't do it that way!). So mother battles mother as we each defend our corner (are you for Gina or Miriam?) and we end up judging each other rather than supporting each other. And that's Mommy Wars. It's not surprising really. Parenting is personal. Every time you hear an opinion that suggests you're bringing up your kids in the wrong way it feels like a kick in teeth for every sleepless night you've spent comforting an upset or unwell child. But being a mum is one of the most difficult jobs in the world. We need the support and encouragement of the people around us. The following statement in Rachel Pieh Jones' blog was such an encouragement to me – it has liberated me as a mum:

“...unless you are fit to run marathons, breastfeed into the preschool years, own a spotless and creatively decorated home, tend a flourishing garden, prepare three home-cooked meals per day, work a high-powered job, and give your husband expert, sensual massages before bed, you are not mom enough. From my perspective, however, the Mommy War is over. Done. Finished. Kaput. And I lost. I am not mom enough. Never was, never will be.

But I am on the frontlines of another war. The battles are raging and the casualties could be my children, my husband, or myself. This war isn’t about me being mom enough. This war is about God being “God enough.” ... Is God “God enough” to take my best, stained efforts at childrearing and craft something that brings him pleasure? Is God “God enough” to turn little hearts to him, and to hold them there? God is, always has been, and always will be, God enough. The battle is over whether or not I will believe it, whether or not I will delight in God’s enough-ness.”

Challenging yet so freeing, yeah? Let's be honest, we all struggle at times and we make mistakes. On the days when my kids' stubborn wilfulness has driven me to the absolute limits of my patience (and sanity!) “stained efforts at childrearing” is a polite way to put it! But the truth of what Pieh Jones is saying frees us as mums to try our absolute best, prayerfully make the hard decisions and leave the outcomes with God. We can finally leave behind the guilt we feel because we know we're not enough. We can stop beating ourselves up over our imperfections. And we can be kinder to each other, offering other mums support and encouragement rather than judgement as they offer up their equally stained efforts. Don't get me wrong, this is the state of mind I'm aiming for. Part of my imperfection is that I keep forgetting these truths and thinking once again that my success as a mum is dependant on my strength and ability. But I hope that writing this helps to plant these seeds of truth more firmly in my mind. And I hope it helps you too, if you're a mum, or if you know someone who's a mum. I'll leave you with this beautiful closing statement from Pieh Jones' blog:

“Trusting in God, because of Christ, I will rise from the graveyard of Mommy War victims, victorious and filled with resurrection power. Loving and living in his perfect enough-ness, I will live to parent for another day. Never mom enough, but filled with the One who is always enough.”

Amen, sister.

Lots of love, Rachael.x

What is your desire?

Just watched this little video by DesiringGod.org

Desiring God - end of year video

Its really great, uplifting and challenging.

Please give it a watch!

Spiritual Refreshment

As essay deadlines are coming (and going!), its proving to be a busy time! And as things are getting busy it is easy to get distracted by deadlines and work and become a bit tired and in need of some spiritual feeding.

As I was thinking about this I was reminded of some talks I listened to a year or so ago which really fed me helped and encouraged me in my walk with Christ.

The seminar is by John Piper and is on TULIP, the 'five points of Calvinism', but it is not about a system or a mere man (Calvin) it truly is about the doctrines of Grace and of Christ's Lordship and Gods Sovereignty.

There are 9 sessions, so they are quite long, but I cannot recommend them enough to you, please do listen to them, or you can even watch them.

TULIP, Part 1 - Introduction

TULIP, Part 2 - Assumptions - Irresistible Grace

TULIP, Part 3 - Irresistible Grace - Total Depravity

TULIP, Part 4 - Total Depravity - Unconditional Election

TULIP, Part 5 - Unconditional Election

TULIP, Part 6 - Unconditional Election

TULIP, Part 7 - Limited Atonement

TULIP, Part 8 - Perseverance of the Saints

TULIP, Part 9 - Ten Effects of Believing the Five Points of Calvinism

I pray that you will be blessed through these talks.

And then there were four....

Rachael is pregnant!

Well, glad to get that off our chest!

We found out just before i left York to come down to Wales (leaving Rach and Jacob there) and it has been really hard keeping it quiet until now. Partly because there isn't much space to hide a baby in Rachael's tummy, and partly because we wanted to tell people so they could be praying for us.

We just had the scan this Wednesday (02/11/11) and wanted to wait until we knew everything was ok before we told you all. But everything seems to be developing just as it should - praise God!

Needless to say Rachael being pregnant has not made moving down and getting settled any easier, for one Rach has been suffering from really bad sickness, especially on an evening (go figure!) and so this has put a bit of a strain on my studies (thats my excuse and I'm sticking to it!) and on just getting settled in. Also baby is due to make an appearance on the 12/05/12, one day before my dads birthday - which he is very happy about, and slap bang in the middle of end of year exam week - which I am not so happy about!

So we would really appreciate prayer particularly for Rach and 'bump' as the pregnancy progresses and for all the implications of it! 

We praise God for this blessing, and know that all things happen in his good time.

Book review - The Pastor as Scholar & The Scholar as Pastor

The Pastor as Scholar & The Scholar as Pastor

John Piper & D. A. Carson

'One of the most encouraging and helpful books I have seen in a long time. If you are a pastor, read it. If you have a pastor, put it in his hands'

R. Albert Mohler Jr

Structure

The Pastor as Scholar is helpfully split into 4 Sections:

1. Introduction: The Return of the Pastor-Scholar
2. The Pastor as Scholar: A personal Journey and the Joyful Place of Scholarship – John Piper
3. The Scholar as Pastor: Lessons from the Church and the Academy – D. A. Carson
4. The Preacher, the Professor and the True Pastor-Scholar

Really this can be seen as two separate books in a way, with two similar yet different viewpoints on the same subject matter. All of which is tied up very well with the introductory and conclusive chapters.

It is also worth noting that the book was initially a seminar that Piper and Carson gave together, and so has a very relaxed almost conversational style to it, which makes it a very easy read.

Review

The 'question' this book aims to address is 'what do you want to be a Pastor, or a Scholar'. But I think the book also answers the question: ' what do you want as a spiritual leader, a Pastor or a Scholar' as I believe that although this is a book aimed at people in or heading for ministry, that it is also a book for anyone who sits under a Pastor! The conclusion, they both come to, of course, is ' why can't you be both!'

The two main sections of the book are written by Piper and Carson, and they each offer their unique (and well qualified!) view on the subject matter. For the purposes of this review, I am going to review the sections by Piper and Carson individually.

- The Pastor as Scholar – John piper

Piper opens his section by sharing what he calls his 'personal pilgrimage to the pastorate'. In this theme he talks not only about his 'biographical' pilgrimage what I have called 'Birth to Bethlehem', but also his 'idealogical' pilgrimage. The way Piper expresses the place scholarship has in the over arching theme of his ministry is this – 'that God is most glorified in us, when we are most satisfied in Him', and this is a phrase and a concept that he relates and revisits several times through his section of the book, and we'll come back to this idea later.

One of the things I enjoy about Piper's writing and preaching is his passion, and this again is something that very much comes through in this book, and an issue he discuss' directly. I found Piper's insight on this idea of passion a challenge, especially as he speaks about the cultural differences between British and American attitudes to 'baring our souls', as he puts it, and about speaking publicly of things that mean most to us.

Whilst I acknowledge that sometimes if someone is speaking about the things that are closest to their heart, it can sometimes become about the speaker, and not the text (though I don't think that criticism can be levelled at Piper), it challenged me to think about the fact that if something is important to me (God's word in this case) it should burst forth from me, I shouldn't be able to contain myself, and that should affect the way I share God's word with people.

The next 20 or so pages are spent on the biographical route Piper took to ministry, which I found very interesting to read, especially to consider that from a young age he found it extremely difficult (nearly impossible) to speak in front of a group of people! Through his biography we see that although Piper started out as a 'Scholar' working very much in the academic world, that he was later called into a pastoral ministry.

Piper also talks about 'treasuring'. He discuss' that we need to treasure God's word before we can do good deeds for His glory. Piper very much sees his ministry as being 'driven to attain a heart and mind that treasures God's word' so that he isn't hypocritical in his deeds, and so to treasure God's word he must study it – in other words be a scholar!

But Piper is balanced and does address the downsides/dangers of having a scholarly 'bent' in you ministry. Whilst he maintains that right thinking about God is of utmost importance, he also maintains that 'right thinking about God exists to serve right feelings for God' (a theme that is covered fully in Pipers book Think: the Life of the Mind and Love of God). He makes the point that even the devil has right thoughts about God, but thoughts don't automatically equate with affection - thoughts and thinking are not enough!

Piper finishes his section with '9 biblical basis for the scholarly service of joy'. He covers a lot of ground, too much to cover here, but just to whet your appetite here are the 9 sub headings:

• Zeal according to knowledge
• Understanding in and through thinking
• Life given through reasoning
• Jesus assuming logic
• A use of the mind Jesus hates
• Paul's rhetorical question
• Pastors able to teach
• The hard mental work of book reading

- The Scholar as Pastor – D. A. Carson

Carson begins his section by discussing what is meant by the term Scholar, something which sounds like it should be addressed nearer the beginning of the book, but actually fits in well where it is. Carson discuss' the limitations of the term scholar, but sticks with it using it to mean both 'academia' and 'book study'

Carson puts forward that there is no correct 'answer' to the issue, but rather wants the reader to recognise that God gives people different gifts, and that each should work out their roles of Pastor and Scholar as they feel called and able.

Carson goes on to discuss the importance of seeing our intellectual endeavour as being important to God, not only in 'Christian' study, but in any study we undertake, another example of how this book is useful for people other than those heading for ministry.

Its then on pg76 that Carson hits what I think is a key issue in the intellectual/pastoral debate, he writes:

'...just because I study the half-life of a quark, a pilated woodpecker, the consistory records of Geneva in the years after Calvin’s death, the destructive influence of Richard Simon, or a Hebrew infinitive construct does not guarantee that I love God better. In fact, it may seduce me into thinking I am more holy and more pleasing to God, when all I am doing is pleasing myself: I like to study. After all, plenty of secularists are fine technical scholars who enjoy their work and make excellent discoveries and write great tomes, without deluding themselves into thinking that they thereby prove they love God and deserve high praise in the spiritual sphere. Nothing is quite as deceitful as an evangelical scholarly mind that thinks it is especially close to God because of its scholarship rather than because of Jesus.'

I think this is something we can quite easily fall into, whether it be to do with study or another supposedly devotional aspect of our life, we can sometimes see it as the ends, rather than the means.

Carson also then spends some pages telling us a little of his pilgrimage into ministry, and it's interesting to note that he took the 'reverse' route to Piper in that he started as a Pastor, then moved into the scholarly realms.

Carson then finishes off his section with 12 lessons for the Scholar as Pastor, and again I am just going to list those headings here:

• Take Steps to avoid being a mere quartermaster
• Beware the seduction of applause
• Fight a common disjunction
• Never forget people
• Recognise different gifts
• Recognise what students learn
• Make the main thing the Main thing
• Pray and work for vision
• Love the church
• Avoid lone-ranger scholarship
• Be interested in the work of others
• Take your work seriously, but not yourself

- The Conclusion

A few pages at the end are left for a conclusion which nicely sums up Piper and Carson's routes into their ministries, discuss' the importance and prevalence of Pastor-Scholars today, but most importantly acknowledges Jesus as the ultimate example of a Pastor-Scholar, engaging heart and head, not compromising one for the other. Finishing with this:

'This new generation of Christian leaders does well to look to Piper and Carson and Keller and the others. We may do even better, in some senses, in looking to Luther and Calvin. We do better still looking to Paul. And we do best Looking to Jesus.'

Closing Comments

I really enjoyed reading this book, I found it thought provoking and challenging, whilst being highly readable. The issue of Pastor-Scholar, is dealt with very adeptly by two highly knowledgeable and Godly men, from two very different stand points.

I would recommend this book to anyone who is a Pastor, or has a Pastor, and especially to those considering their own ministry paths.

Well, this isn't quite what I'd planned....

..... but we not following my plan, so its ok!

I'm sat in a friends spare room writing this. 

This is going to be home for the next few weeks.

I've had my first day at WEST, and it has been fantastic! So much information to take in, but absolutely amazing. Trying to pick my modules... do I just do Greek, or do I do Hebrew too? Pneumatology or Introduction to the Philosophy of religion?

All i really want to do is sit down and talk it through with Rachael, which I sort of was able to do, but only over Skype.

Since our last post there has been a delay with our house in Bridgend meaning that we can't move in until the 30/09/2011, which is a problem seeing as we moved out of our house on Friday! So I am staying down here with Friends, whilst Rach and Jacob stay in York, and our furniture is spread between parents houses and Tom's garage.

And yet as I sit here I can't help but feel encouraged. Don't get me wrong I miss Rachael and Jacob bitterly and want nothing more that to give them a great big cuddle! But I still somehow feel encouraged?

I think back to how i felt a month or so ago and, if I'm being honest, how i was beginning to doubt that everything would happen in time, that we would sell the house and I would be able to start this September, and now I'm sat here having had my first day. Ok it isn't quite the way I had envisioned it, but I'm here!

We've been praying and trusting that God is in control of all the circumstances that led up to the house selling and me being accepted and finding the perfect home, in the perfect location ..... so why should we now doubt that God is now any less in control?

To think that because it hasn't happened the way we thought and planned, it must have gone wrong, how foolish! God knows why its happened and we may never understand, but there is a reason. Perhaps I'm meant to learn something? 

As i was thinking about my situation coming back from WEST this evening i was reminded of this passage:

²⁵Now great crowds accompanied him, and he turned and said to them, ²⁶ "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters,yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. ²⁷ Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple. ²⁸For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does notfirst sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it? ²⁹Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, ³⁰saying, 'This man began to build and was not able to finish.' ³¹Or what king, going out to encounter another king in war, will not sit down first and deliberate whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand? ³²And if not, while the other is yet a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks for terms of peace. ³³ So therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple.

Luke 14 v 25 - 33

Perhaps God needs me to learn that in a very real and practical way?

It's hard, but I can't fully lean on Rachael at the moment, so i have to lean on Him.

And maybe thats the point?