"I had a plan."

Rachael's first post! 

A momentous occasion, since a year ago I'm not sure I even knew what 'blogging' was. How things change in a year!

It's not just my grasp of modern technology that has been challenged this year (and Doug would say that my grasp of modern technology is challenging!). When I think back and consider the things that God has been challenging me about, 'control' would be right up there in the top five. Anyone who knows me knows I like plans. I love lists. I appreciate order and structure. I like to feel in control. But it wasn't to be. 

I had an idea that I could write a list, plan a timeline, tackle each task one by one giving each my full and undivided attention and the whole process of selling the house and relocating would be ordered, controlled and peaceful. What I have ended up with instead is a spinning head full of unfinished jobs and worry. Why is that? I feel challenged and draw the conclusion that the problem lies in my desire to try and be in control.

As we take each step along this new and uncharted path I am slowly coming to the conclusion that I am not the one who is in control. You may be laughing as you read that last statement. I feel a little sheepish when I read it back. When I consider everything that has happened over the past few months it seems daft to think that I could have controlled it, or that it was anyone but God in charge. But here I am, still going strong with the lists, still trying to control the outcomes, still struggling to give the details over to God. Doug calls me a "worry bug", which is endearing but probably not something to aspire to! 

Every time I get caught up in stressing about the details and my head starts to spin God brings to my mind something that I read recently in a book called 'Choosing to See' by Mary-Beth Chapman (a book I would recommend if anyone's on the lookout for a good read this summer). She uses the phrase "chin-up!" This phrase has always been one of my personal bug-bares, right up alongside "pull yourself together!" but here it took on new meaning. She tells of how she was walking along a beach feeling full of grief and pain, looking down focusing on each stone and shell she stepped over. When she looked up she realised that the sun had broken through from behind the clouds and that she had been missing a beautiful sight because she was focusing only on what was right in front of her feet. She draws the comparison between this and the details of our lives that keep our eyes down, looking only to what is immediately before us and poses the challenge not to miss out on looking at the Son and seeing His awesome glory. To do that we must keep our chin up. So now, when I get caught up in the details and I start to worry I remember "chin-up!" and try to look to the Lord and His magnificence rather than just seeing the problems. 

I still have a long way to go, but then, this is just the beginning of the journey!

Rachael.x

N.B. The book referred to is called 'Choosing to See. A journey of Struggle and Hope' by Mary-Beth Chapman, 2010. Published by Revell.